A unique path to parenting
Posted on 18. Jan, 2010 by Guest Contributor in Real Life
This article is written by Denise – she has just started blogging. Pop over, follow her journey and leave a comment!
Six months ago I became a parent. Unremarkable you might say? Except that my baby entered my life at 15 months old and he’d been 5 years in the making.
You see, I’m an infertile. We’re a rare (though becoming more common) breed of woman who somehow defies the laws of nature and can’t make a baby. But that’s a story for another time. Today I’m a parent with all the joy and frustration that comes with it. After 5 fruitless years, 3 miscarriages and 2 IVF’s my hubby and I decided that we would explore adoption. Not adopt just yet (we’d promised ourselves 3 IVF attempts) just simply explore how it works.
We met a social worker who dealt with an agency specialising in babies from the cape flats. It seemed easy enough, get screened, go on a list and wait for a birth mom to choose us. We thanked her for the information and went on our merry way. We were changing fertility clinics for our last attempt at IVF so we had our first meeting with our new fertility specialist and all was looking positive.
Then my aunt called. A 12 month old little boy had been placed with her (as a place of safety), were we really considering adoption because he was going to be eligible for adoption. Wow. Um, yes, but not right away and he’s a bit older than we had in mind but you know… Then we met him and immediately we knew that this was our son.
Then the drama, he isn’t eligible for adoption because his HIV+ father is refusing to sign consent. Then his mother changed her mind. The only way he could be with us was if we were prepared to foster him for 2 years, after which period we could apply for adoption without the consent of his biological parents.
At this point my emotions were raw, the social worker had declared his parents unfit and yet they could still affect his life in this way? It just didn’t seem fair. We had to make the biggest decision of our lives, were we prepared to foster this child and run the risk of losing him? We knew that if we didn’t foster him he would end up like his half sisters. His father’s 3 other daughters were in a state institution, where they had been for over 2 years already and had not seen their father even once. Yet this man still had rights over my child?
We decided that we would take the risk and that is how I became a Mom. Every day that goes by I am thankful for the gift that I have been given. I am thankful for his smile. I am thankful when he calls me Mommy. I am thankful when he pushes me to my limit. Most of all I am grateful that my baby is loved for the first time in his life. My family and friends love and adore him. My parents are overjoyed at finally being granny and grampa. After so many years of hoping and trying we are thankful that things have worked out this way. We have 18 months of waiting left before we are able to apply for the adoption and I pray everyday that the universe will make this transition smooth. We could have gone a more traditional route and adopted a baby without all the drama but where would my boy be today?
More frightening though is how many more like him there are in our country. I think of them as the forgotten children. Those children whose parents are unfit and need to be removed from their families. If they are lucky they are fostered into loving homes but with tough times and a change in the child laws the state no longer pays all families to foster children. This means that many people who may in the past have been open to fostering are no longer financially able to do so. The forgotten children end up in institutions where they grow up without love and are unable to love and their children grow up in this neverending cycle.
So many people who are thinking about adoption complain about long waiting lists and bureaucracy, I implore anyone who is even harbouring the vaguest thought about adoption to consider making a real difference and leaving the lists that take years and years and to consider long term fostering. Most of these children DO become eligible for adoption and you can really make a difference to a child’s life.
After my life’s experiences I know that I was always destined to be J’s Mom and the loss and heartache have simply prepared me for his arrival.
Shayne
Jan 18th, 2010
What a remarkable story. Our pastor is going through a very similar situation – they also have to foster their 2 daughters (sisters – same mother different father) for 2 yrs before they’re able to adopt.
Such a scary journey to take – but a life without risks is not a life worth living.
Good luck and I hope he brings you much joy (and frustration!) and children only can!
Julia
Jan 18th, 2010
What a beautiful story and how wonderful that you and your husband were brave enough to take this risk. I wish you all the best for the future and with the adoption process which I believe WILL run smoothly when the time comes..xx
Damaria Senne
Jan 18th, 2010
congrats Denise on being a mom. I was also a long-term foster parent to a little girl, and I do not have the words to explain how much I got from the experience.
petru
Feb 8th, 2010
Denise, I am so greatfull to fall upon your letter today. We are walking a very hard road as you are with a little baby girl that was badley abused. Her biological parents got pregnant while abusing her and we fought for the unbord brother/sister and for our daughter and we succeeded and was awarder foster rights november 2009. The road is long, the mother is difficult and our daughter even though she is still small (1 year and 5 months) battle with reactions when seeing the mother. Our daughter’s biological father also hanged himself last year. We are constantly called by die social worker of the mother wanting visits. We are drained with a new born baby and our daughters constant struggle to adjust. And then this. We also have 18 months to go more or less before we can apply for adoption. Today I feel… why do the biological parents have so much rights, why can we just not apply for adoption immediately, there is enough evidence that the mother is not suited to take care of the two children. Denise, thank you for your shoulder, I just wanter to get this out of my chest and heart today….