Things I wish people had told me before I got married
Posted on 23. Dec, 2009 by Julia in Uncategorized
I was completely and utterly fascinated by a conversation that I had with an unmarried girlfriend of mine this past weekend. She is involved in a long-term relationship (a relationship with many, many serious issues) and somehow she got it into her head that once they have been declared husband and wife by the pastor or magistrate then he will change. She believes that he will stop cheating on her and picking up prostitutes and using drugs! She would like to get married to him ASAP so that he can change ASAP.
I could not believe that an educated woman would actually have that perception. I spent the rest of the weekend thinking about marriage in general. I thought about my own marriage and the marriages of other family and friends and came to the realization that so many of us go into it for the wrong reasons. Sometimes we go into it for the right reasons and have very specific expectations (all based on upbringing and our individual value systems) which are not met. There are so many things that I wish people had told me BEFORE I got married. I think that my transition into married life would not have been as difficult and I would not have taken so many things so personally…
I wish that people had told me that love is never ever enough…you need trust, you need friendship, you need to be financially stable, you need companionship…hell, you actually need hair on your teeth sometimes.
I wish that people had told me that even though you love your spouse deeply, there are going to be days when you really don’t like them and that this is ok…
I wish that people had told me just what a tremendous strain children place on the marital relationship. It is very easy to say before the time that you will not let the kids control your life and your marriage but guess what….they do just that, sometimes without you even realizing it.
I wish that people had told me that, despite the fact that you share a bed and eat out of the same pot at night, that it is so easy to start living past someone.
I wish that people had reminded me that we all grow up differently with different value systems and that in order for the marriage to work well, you need to talk about this before getting married and together decide on the values which your new family will adopt.
I wish that people had told me that when you and your spouse argue then you will probably feel more lonely and misunderstood than you’ve ever felt.
I wish that people had told me just how important sex is within the marital relationship and how much work it is to maintain this part of the relationship. Seriously. I have to pencil this into my diary or else it will never happen (and there is absolutely nothing wrong with my libido btw…). Especially after you have kids, especially if there is illness (like depression for example), especially when you are both so completely and utterly exhausted due to earning a living and then still dealing with after-hours issues.
I wish that people had told me this: Taking long walks on the beach is easy, so is having the occasional romantic dinner but that it is how you deal with adversity like job losses, money troubles, infertility, interfering in-laws, difficult kids, death, illness etc. etc. etc. together that can either make or break your marriage.
I wish that people had told me what a bad idea it is to get married in your early 20s as I have. My free advice to anyone is to wait until you are AT LEAST 28. PLEASE.
I wish that people had told me that, despite your best efforts to avoid this, your individuality may become somewhat compromised. But that eventually things will settle down and you will start to feel more like yourself again. However, you will never completely be who you were. Don’t fight it. You will just make yourself and your spouse miserable. Just go with it.
I wish that people had told me that you cannot go into a marriage without working through your “baggage” and past issues first. Otherwise it impacts the way you behave towards your spouse. You need to be a whole person before you get married. Not a broken person.
I wish that people had reminded me that if your spouse has certain bad habits before getting married, then actually these bad habits won’t go away overnight or anytime soon. Don’t hold your breath. Even though you are now married. He is not going to change. And neither will you. Because neither of you are perfect people.
I wish that people had told me that the things that you really like about your partner before you got married sometimes end up being the things that you hate about your partner after you are married. Eg…if you loved that he was spontaneous and loved partying all night long before marriage, then after marriage it will annoy you that he wants to be spontaneous and party all night long because guess who gets to stay at home with the kids?????…
And I wish that people had told me that communication is definitely NOT overrated. If you can’t communicate effectively before you get married then you ain’t going to be able to do this after the wedding.
I am happy in my marriage. Mostly. I am fulfilled within my marriage. Mostly. It is truly the hardest thing that I have ever done. It is the truly the best thing that I have ever done. I don’t regret getting married but I do regret doing it when I was simply too young…(I was 22). I do think that a marriage proposal is the most flattering compliment ever. Somebody is actually telling you that they want to spend their entire life with you and grow old with you. They are saying that they don’t give a toss that you might end up wrinkled, with bunions, droopy boobs or a sagging bum. They are actually prepared to put up with you no matter what. And herein lies the problem. Sometimes we are so caught up with the whole flattery of the romantic proposal and with creating the most romantic, memorable wedding (which is only for a day actually – the marriage starts the very next day), that we do not always fully comprehend the enormity of what we are getting ourselves in for.
All these points that I’ve mentioned are based on my own subjective experiences of being married. I am not saying that it is like that for everyone. In fact, some people seem to take to marriage much easier than others. I don’t want anyone to think that I am bashing marriage because that is really not my intention. What I’ve written here was merely to illustrate what we should be telling our unmarried friends and family before they get married. Not afterwards.
Is there anything that you wish people had told you before you got married?
Angel
Dec 23rd, 2009
Awesome piece!
I’ve never been married, but I’m getting married in July next year and I agree with what you wrote here.
My sweetheart and I are both in our 30s, and I believe neither of us is under any illusions as to what will and won’t happen after our wedding.
Craig
Dec 23rd, 2009
I have to agree with your advice on getting married later than sooner. In your early twenties you are still finding yourself and unfortunately are simply not ready to make a life-long commitment as you are still undergoing a process of change.
of course, if you’re in it for the short haul, then I guess it’s fine, but crap man, that’s exactly why our country’s divorce rate is so high!
Gilz
Dec 23rd, 2009
Slap that girl with a wet fish and tell her that a piece of paper does not come with guarantees and super power wishes.
Wenchy
Dec 23rd, 2009
I wish people knew little would change after marriage… if he has always been a fuckwit, he will remain so… same with you.
Tertia
Dec 23rd, 2009
Excellent and absolutely spot on. I agree wholehearted with almost every single point.
mywindowsill.wordpress.com
Dec 23rd, 2009
very good post. they should run this as an article in a magazine.
Melody
Dec 23rd, 2009
Sjoe, i feel for that friend of yours. I hope she reads this piece or she gets some sort of epiphany real soon!
I got married at 19, my man was 24. We have been married for 17yrs now and its been a ride of note! I think it worked well for us for many reasons but the biggest being we waited almost 10years before having kids. (now have 3). We kinda *grew up* together and there definitely is a very special bonding thing in that – neither of us came in with any heavy baggage from previous relationships (altho we both had had long-term partners before). That is not to say we havent had our fair share of shite – cos we have!
But anyone going in thinking its going to get easier really needs a lesson in Marriage 101!
Mohammade
Dec 24th, 2009
Bouncing from Melody’s comment, regarding the age issue…
I understand the drawbacks of getting married too early but I also think this “too early” aspect is absolutely depending on individuals.
Your (young) age might have been another difficulty to overcome after your marriage but it may not be the same for everyone.
I concur with Melody’s experience on the special bond created when growing up together. I got married at 21, my wife-to-be was 18 and everything is working out perfectly.
“Perfectly” doesn’t mean without difficulties but whenever a situation gets (let’s say) tricky, we work on it together. Indeed, communication is not overrated.
Don’t expect your other half to change after getting married. It doesn’t make sense as the reason why you’re getting married is because he/she is what he/she is.
Getting married too late also brings its difficulties (strong personalities refusing to make compromises for instance). And compromises, please guys, it works both ways
In the end, in my opinion, it’s not about age but about understanding what marriage is about before getting married…
When too young you may not understand
When too old you may not be able to sacrifice your “independence” to this huge commitment.
Communication, trust, communication, friendship, communication, common values, communication, companionship, communication, sex, sex, sex…
you’ve summed up all that very well