Leaving is not the easy way out
Posted on 07. Dec, 2009 by Laura in Uncategorized
Over the past 4 years since I left my husband many women have mailed me asking for advise.
Some have had a fight with their husbands and think they want to leave. Others have been beaten and know they should leave. Some are tired and think it will be easier to leave. Others still, look at my life and think its free and fun and happy.
The only women I tell to leave. The only ones I tell to walk away from their marriages are the ones who have physical bruises. They are the only ones who should walk away.
There seems to be some sort of illusion that because I am a single mother I no longer have responsibility and I can go out and party when I want, sleep late and in general have a lekker life.
This is far from the truth.
Yes I go out to places my married friends may not but it takes weeks of planning and negotiating and often begging to organise those nights out. And when you get home at 3h00 in the morning, there is noone to take the children so you can lie in. You get up at 5h00 – tired or not.
Yes I dont have a husband to worry about and ask permission to do things and consider when making decisions but every single decision now lies with me. It is solely my responsibility to decide on schools and wether or not to go to the Dr and what to have for dinner. I have no one to share that with.
While I do get a small amount of maintenance the responsibility of the budget is solely mine. I need to make the money make it to month end. I lie awake at night worrying about where I will get money for tuckshop and friends gifts and new school shoes. I have noone to share that burden with.
There is nothing glamorous about being a single parent. It is no easy. It is not what I would have chosen. It is not what I would choose for my friends.
I tried to make my marriage work. I tried really hard. But when a relationship gets to a point where the abuse becomes a way of life then getting out is the only thing to do.
Having a fight with your husband isnt a reason to leave. When he leaves his stuff all over, you dont walk away. If he forgets to phone on his way home when he is out with his mates, you dont walk away. When he is stressed out at work and snaps at you, you dont walk away. I would never go back – I am happy now but the decision to leave was not the easy one.
Relationships are sacred – marriages more so. Everything should be done to save them.
Relationships are not easy – marriages even less. But they are worth fighting for.
I also just have to add that while I am in an awesome relationship now with a wonderful man – the responsibility to parent my children is still mine. While I do have a hand to hold now – I am still largely right now a single parent.
Leaving is not the easy way out.
zola237
Dec 7th, 2009
It is nice to hear the other side of the story, from someone who have been divorced.
Elaine
Dec 7th, 2009
Thanks for this. I think one do realise this, but sometimes it does look very appealing to be single.
Wenchy
Dec 7th, 2009
There is fuck all glamour in being single, with children. Been there, done that… didn’t love it.
You are right. Leaving was one of the hardest decisions I ever made. I was with the x-person since the time I was 14.. married when I was 17 and Kevin was born when I was 20. I had Liam at 23 and divorced by the following year.
I left because like you, abuse had become a way of life. Not just physical but mental and emotionally. I thought I was everything he told me I was.. that my birthday wasn’t worth celebrating, that I would never amount to anything.
I can tell you that divorcing him was the happiest, most free day I’ve ever experienced… however, none of that made being a single mom to a 4 year old and a one year old fun!!! It was bloody hard for all the reasons you mentioned.
My second marriage ended after a decade together and although there was never ever any abuse and it was never my choice for it to end, being a single parent didn’t become easier with older kids.
Sjoe…. relationships are sacret. I still believe marriage is one step above a committed relationship which I am in now… and all love exchanged it to be protected, honoured and worth fighting for.
You are my favourite single mom in all the land. Never forget..
PS. Yes… just cause you have a hand to hold unfortunately doesn’t automatically make a less ’single parent’. Many things remain my responsibility.
mywindowsill.wordpress.com
Dec 7th, 2009
Laura, what a great post. I agree wholeheartedly.
Sharon
Dec 7th, 2009
Being a single parent sucks – worse than Electrolux! It is not the easy choice, and certainly not one that is made lightly by those who have made the choice. Those considering it should think very long and very hard before deciding to leave. It is a long, lonely and difficult road.
Gilz
Dec 8th, 2009
Thanx for sharing.
Louisa
Dec 8th, 2009
Well said!