Female2Female

Looking at Guilt

Posted on 27. Jul, 2009 by Sally in Uncategorized

LET’S TAKE A GUILT TRIP…

“Did your guilt-o-meter start spinning out of control the moment you found out you were pregnant? Congratulations! You’re officially in training for the ultimate of guilt trips -motherhood! “ Ann Douglas writes, as an introduction to a book on pregnancy. Thinking in this line, I suppose it is true that, to some extent, every mother wants her children to be perfectly contented, perfectly protected, perfectly happy–no matter what sacrifices she might have to make. When she inevitably falls short of this ideal, guilt sets in. And let’s admit, we as women take guilt to a whole new level. We feel guilty because we cannot be super moms, successful career professionals, glamorous wives with knock-em-dead bodies, all at the same time!! Instead of noticing the good we do, we let the things we cannot do immobilize us until we feel guilty most of the time. Symptoms of this way of thinking include feelings of inferiority, inadequacy, worthlessness and hopelessness. Recognize any of these?

WHAT IS GUILT EXACTLY???

Healthy, useful guilt is the feeling we have when we do something we rationally judge to be morally wrong or unfair. Just having the thought or urge to do something bad can cause guilt. And trust me, guilt serves its purposes sometimes. It helps us know when things are amiss in our lives, when we need some work, when we have done wrong, and so on. However, there is also unhealthy guilt. That is when we establish unreasonable standards for ourselves, i.e. we expect perfection, we want to accomplish the impossible, we feel responsible for misfortunes in other people’s lives, we believe we are “good” only if we devotedly follow all the rules and do more than our duty. The unhealthy guilt does not allow for mistakes; our expectations of both others and ourselves are too high. Unhealthy guilt tells us that we should be different from what we are, and should be making different choices from what we are. Many mothers, if not all, believe they should make their children happy. It is a message we get from a very young age that our family’s happiness depends on us as mothers. (The reality is that while we have influence on one another, including our children, we do not have the power to make anyone feel anything. We may trigger a reaction but there it ends! But let’s leave this for another time!)

Then, of course, there are those voices of people from our past, or in our present, with their shoulds. “You should stay home with your children” or “You shouldn’t be staying at home with children after your parents paid for all that education.” Don’t let people should on you!!! Just because some people are uncomfortable with our decisions does not mean that we should live our lives so they can feel right.

DOING SOMETHING ABOUT GUILT

Guilt is an internal condition that is both self-defeating and self-absorbing. Guilt is all about you, not the subject of your feelings. A mother’s guilt stems from an inability to give more of herself, and dissatisfaction with the present, with what she is doing and what she feels she should be doing. With the first twinge of guilt, ask yourself why you are feeling this way. Are there ways you can alleviate guilt by changing your priorities? Will this be a positive change? If so, make that change. If not, take steps to zap that unnecessary guilt. Here are a few guidelines to help that process:

1. Re-examine your goals and priorities

Look at your goals again, and where they are falling short. If you want to spend more time with your children, have them spend time with other children, have some time for yourself, whatever the case may be, look at what is important to you and your family now. Don’t hesitate to get outside help, such as family, friends, or even a babysitter to help you accomplish your goals!

2. Remember your role as a parent

It is our duty to set limits. Realize that setting priorities, limits and boundaries is part of being a parent, and requires no apologies or guilty feelings. Do not let yourself be controlled by these emotions, especially when it is in the best interest of your child to stick to the limits or priorities you have set. These limits or boundaries you set according to that which you believe to be in their best interest – you are the one that needs to set, manage, and live with the consequences of these so you as parents need to be the major role players in setting these.

3. Learn from Your Mistakes

Discuss the object of your guilt with people whose opinion you respect. Give yourself permission to make mistakes and be determined to learn from them.

Be honest and upfront with your children, if you conclude you are at fault. Offer a sincere apology and move forward!

4. Learn to change ‘guilt’ into ‘regret’

A simple change in semantics could make a big difference. Try substituting the world ‘regret’ for the feelings you now label ‘guilt’. Regret requires no explanation–simply the realization that you did the best you could in the situation, and allows for forward movement, whereas guilt anchors you in the past.

Here is an exercise to transform your guilt and unhealthy should into statements of regret:

1. Complete these two sentences as many times as you can.

I feel guilty about . . .

I feel guilty when . . .

1. Take each issue in the above sentences and complete the following sentences.

a) What I resent (about other people’s behaviour, words, lack of support or pressure) is . . .

b) What I regret (doing or not doing: saying or not saying) is . . .

1. Take your list of resentments and tell yourself – “I don’t have control over other people. I will now let go.”

4.   Take your list of regrets and complete the following sentence:

In order to take better care of my family, and myself from now on I will . . .

It can be difficult to accept change in plans that we set up, without seeing a failure in ourselves. For example: if we wanted to breastfeed and did not, if we wanted to go a natural labour route and could not, whatever the case may be. As much as we want to be in control of our lives, often it is how we deal with the unexpected, the unplanned, and the unwanted, that define us as a person. As mothers, you are not given super human powers.  Expecting to try your best in raising your children is one thing, but by expecting to only be the ‘very best’, you are setting yourselves up for the impossible and… mother’s guilt. So, stop trying to be the perfect mother, and work on being a good enough mother! You will never achieve perfection, so the important thing is not to continue to plod along in a situation in which you are unhappy. Analyze your situation. If you decide that changes are needed, start working towards them. If you decide that changes are not really called for, there is no reason to spend your time and energy feeling guilty. And I don’t feel guilty for saying this to you!!!

NB: Should you find it exceedingly difficult to deal with guilt in your life on your own, please seek professional counselling in your area. A suggestion would be FAMSA (look on www.famsa.org.za for the closest one in your area) or your family GP for a referral.

Tags: parenting guilt