My relationshit has stolen my dignity!
Posted on 05. Feb, 2010 by Sheena in Real Life
It’s a bold statement, I know. But it’s bloody true! And the thing is, it’s not just me who feels this way, he does too. I think.
It all started with a tummy bug. All of a sudden, after years of not having anyone notice my bowel movements, I was stuck at my boyfriend Jon’s house with the greatest need to… go. Now, I don’t know about you guys – but as far as I’m concerned, girls don’t pooh. Especially not in broad daylight at your boyfriends house. Every ten minutes. Up until then, it would be a pooh at my own discretion, in the middle of the night, with the tap on, and the bathroom door firmly shut, while he was sleeping, to the timing of his snores.
I was so ensconced with the notion of me having to pooh, whilst Jon knew precisely what I was doing behind that closed door, and holding onto my tummy in the hopes that the cramps would disappear soon, that I hadn’t noticed the miscalculation of my period expectations. I woke up in desperate need of my lady-things, and for once in my life – I had none. I debated in the bathroom for fifteen minutes until a soft knock on the door came with a polite inquiry to see if I was, in fact, alive in there. I gritted my teeth and admitted there was a problem. One that meant he had to get into his car and go to the shop. Now.
Confused and inappropriately naïve, Jon claimed to not know what I meant. “But it’s seven AM in the bloody morning on a Saturday!” to which I replied, “ya, well, nature waits for no man”. After some whimpering, a lot of mumbled excuses and comments of “but can’t you just go quickly? I’ll put the kettle on while you’re out!” I yanked the door open in frustration and gave him The Look.
Faced with the awe-inspiring look, he coiled into a little ball and started rocking back and forth. “Don’t make me do it, Sheen. I can’t. I don’t want to. I won’t!” he frantically whispered through his kneecaps, his eyes pleading and determined to not back down. I think he must have seen the determination in my face, the absolute desperation of this dire situation when I looked him firmly in the eye, grabbed him by the balls and calmly stated: Get thyself into yon chariot and get. me. some. fucking. tampons!
While he was gone, I jumped into the shower and finally let myself break down and feel the after math. I’d just told my boyfriend that a) I not only had the world’s worst case of diarrhea, but also b) now needed feminine products, which he had to go buy for me. Coiled up into a fetal position in the shower, I realized something: this relationshit has cost me my dignity.
This must be love.
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[Read my personal blog here]
This is part 3 of a series of relationshit musings, by Sheena Gates.
SheBee
Feb 5th, 2010
*ticks comment follower upper thing*
Angel
Feb 5th, 2010
Teehee… I hear ya sista!
Nicci
Feb 5th, 2010
*giggles*
Nayes
Feb 5th, 2010
The other day my boyfriend came over to rub my back because I had hurt it. He bought some weird eucalyptus stuff that made my nose start pouring snot – and wouldn’t let me get up to go blow my nose. I sneezed snot EVERYWHERE! He then reached over and pulled some of it out of my hair. Awesome. He also plays with the hair on my tummy, loves my morning breath and thinks it’s adorable when I get a pimple. And he didn’t bat an eyelid when i managed to bleed ALL OVER the sheets once.
Dignity? What’s THAT?
Craig
Feb 5th, 2010
The key to taking a dump at ya spouses place unnoticed, is by simply turning on the shower(hot water) and sprinkling a bit of showergel in there for a pleasant aroma?! This is only logical.
“I’m going for a shower”
I know many go as far as turning on the tap, creating a tp nest, synchronizing with a cough, followed by numerous complementary flushes… but the shower thing really does work. And to end it off, you can jump in after and have a quick cleanse – smelling like Thai Infusion after a massive shit is beyond sublime.
Although.. I have been criticized for my 3 shower day.
Sheena
Feb 5th, 2010
Nayes – that’s horrible my love, my condolences. Scary thing is, ya – Jon and I have become completely cool with each others bodily functions, and its just bloody WEIRD man.
Craig – lol at TP nest. Oh man, guilty as charged. I’ll try your shower thing out next. But I still draw the line at farting and burps. That shit is just not gravy.
Cam
Feb 5th, 2010
Ha ha, Sheebs. Shit happens. Remember this post…
http://chesterpillow.blogspot.com/2008/05/chess-how-to-pooh-in-front-of-your.html
Cam.
Aka. Ches
Cam
Feb 5th, 2010
I see I still have the flying bat-testicle icon.
Jon
Feb 5th, 2010
I don’t think Sheena could have tasked me with a more dangerous mission (to my masculinity).
Let’s take stock of the situation quickly, shall we:
1. She needs me to go to the shops, a public place.
2. Wonder down an aisle of beauty products where, presumably, there will be many females browsing other sorts of products.
3. Force me to look through products that in the past I had forced myself never to even so much 4. Find a specific brand and product line within.
I won’t lie; I walked up and down that aisle no fewer than 5 times without stopping. I was, foolishly, trying to wait for the an opportune time when no-one was looking, no-one was nearby, I was alone and free to find the product without being discovered. My reconnaissance only succeeded in me seeing three woman selecting products for themselves, and one mother-daughter pair who stood debating the benefits of the various different brands available – I think they had spotted me and were hanging around solely to make my life more difficult than it ought to have been. Either way, there was no way was I going to ask them politely to move aside whilst I choose the product I wanted.
Eventually the scheming pair vacated the area, leaving the stand deserted and ready for my hit-and-run. And it was just that. I stopped there just long enough to scan the rows quickly for the description provided, panicking somewhat at not being able to correct one. At this point I was talking myself into grabbing the first one within reach and making a run for it, when I noticed the specific item hiding slightly further back from the others. Yes, I’d found it! Only problem now though, due to my vertical disadvantage (I’m pretty short), and the fact that this item was on the top shelf, I had to reach for it. Imagine this situation now. Short guy, on his tiptoes, trying to reach for a specific feminine product. If my balls could talk, they would probably have expressed their disappointment in me, receded back into my body, and never be heard from again.
I didn’t get seen. I didn’t get caught. It’s all very silly. I know. Next time, should there be a next time (The Look), I will be man enough (gotta love the irony in that statement) to … walk by 4 times instead.
Laura
Feb 5th, 2010
Jon – but now the www knows you did it :-p
Sheena – I am actually about to delete this entire post, comments and all – I have spent the last 5 months convincing David girls do not poo – he actually nearly beleives me (yes I am THAT good at concealing it)! So I can not have him see this. Sorry chick :-p
Tanya
Feb 5th, 2010
oh my – what a funny post!!!
shame to you and jon!
after 6 years of being together, i have NEVER sent my stukkie out to buy me “those things” … in fact – i go to clicks by myself and buy – i can’t even bring myself to chuck them in with the grocery shopping we do together!
@Jon if i had seen a guy in the aisle, i SO would’ve stuck around to see him do it… and the stretching!! LOL!
Laura
Feb 5th, 2010
LOL Tanya – thats funny. I would rather ask David to buy me tampons than for him to know I poo :-p
MeganTS
Feb 5th, 2010
i’ll admit that i make Richard go outside and i turn the music up really loud if i need to pooh. i have a nervous sphincter. i cannot pooh if there’s the even remote possibility someone might hear something.
and the first and so far only time i’ve sent him on the tampon dash he came back with a bunch of questions about applicators!
Natacha
Feb 5th, 2010
OMW!!!! I don’t think I have actually laughed this much reading a post and comments here!
Tanya
Feb 5th, 2010
@laura… i dont poo
Damaria Senne
Feb 5th, 2010
ROFL.
Addie
Feb 7th, 2010
What a lovely post to catch up with F2F … can’t wait to read the rest of the ones I missed.
@Jon – love the comment and the fact that you so brave in many ways then one
Fairy Girl
Feb 8th, 2010
What a way to start a Monday
Full of laughs and giggle LOL
Girls don’t pooh « Pink Hair Girl
Mar 14th, 2010
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