Women: Are we our own worst enemies?
Posted on 04. Feb, 2010 by Sally in Uncategorized
I recently wrote an article for Parent 24 on Extended Breast Feeding. I am fully aware that I am a bit of a hippy at heart and that the things I do will not suit all mom’s so I was careful to end off the article by saying:
“As with most parenting, you have to find what works for you and your child. No-one should feel pressure to start, continue or stop breastfeeding, but I know that for those who choose to carry on it can be a lonely journey. Even if you extended breastfeeding is not for you, be kind to the woman whose child, in your opinion, looks too old to be breastfeeding. It may not always be easy for her, but she’s doing it for her baby.”
I was surprised by some of the comments, one in which, I was told, NOT to tell people, that they are bad mommies, and that, people should be allowed to parent their own way without me telling them what to do. I really thought I had been very careful not to do this, and that I was just saying that some mothers who choose this options have some good reasons for doing so.
This got me thinking. It does not really matter what the topic is. I have been on parenting forums and read enough on-line articles to know that it does not matter if it is breastfeeding, birth, discipline, schooling etc. Women can be so critical, judgmental, and downright mean to each other on this parenting journey.
Being a mom can be very lonely, and while I am not naïve enough to think that we will all agree or even all do things the same way. I just wonder why we have to be so unkind and mean to each other when we have different opinions. At a time when they need more support than almost any other time in life, new mothers seem to be fighting to defend what they do, more than they are getting support.
I wonder why we feel the need to do this and what would have to happen for this dynamic to change? Please let me know what your thoughts or experiences have been, in the comments.
Angel
Feb 4th, 2010
I have noticed that people seem to read the title of the article and then read the comments- then launch into a tirade based on that…
Its almost as if they get so carried away with their own opinion on a subject that by the time they have “read” the piece they have already formatted the “comment” in their head and thats what they put in the little open box, no matter what they actually read.
Laura
Feb 4th, 2010
I think its our insecurities that make us react like this.
Noone tells you if you are parenting right – there is no text book or guidlines and no two children are the same so we do the best we know how at the time. But because we have nothing to measure against to let us know we are doing ok we are a little insecure. So when someone talks about their way of doing things we are shaken by doubt – are we still doing they right thing. And when we feel like that we lash out.
I am not justifying their behaviour at all – just offering a possible explanation!
blackhuff
Feb 4th, 2010
I think we fight so hard to defend ourselves and our beliefs that we so frequently forgets that as we fight so hard to defend what we do, that we are actually making enemies rather than friends for the support we really need.
blackhuff
Feb 4th, 2010
… So that does make us our worst enemies to begin with.
Nicci
Feb 4th, 2010
Sally people often react from a place of guilt or fear. I always remind myself when people react negatively to me and the things I believe that it actually has very little to with me and a lot to do with their issues.
I think Laura has hit the nail on the head.
Damaria Senne
Feb 4th, 2010
I also think Laura hit a nail on the heads. Some of us are insecure with our parenting. And there are so many viewpoints on parenting, all presented by “experts” that some of us latch onto a certain way of doing things and everything else is wrong. But we are defesive because we are too afraid to look closely at ourselves. Isn’t it the same with religion sometimes?
April
Feb 4th, 2010
I agree with Laura, and I’ll take it a step further. Being insecure about being a parent can be particularly daunting because we care SO much about the outcome, and we’re so afraid that if we mess this up, our kids will be the ones to pay the ultimate price for our mistakes. I think the ones who tear each other apart during the day are also the ones in the most need of support – but how do you give it when all their actions speak otherwise?
Barbara
Feb 4th, 2010
It is rather sad – often the judgement and accusation we hear/read was never there in the first place. It is us saying those words in our head and not the person whose words you are taking in.
Sally-Jane
Feb 4th, 2010
how do we change this? How do we start supporting more and being nasty less?
Laura
Feb 5th, 2010
Sally – we keep talking positively. Like the story you shared – we keep doing that. We keep talking honestly about our experiences and ignore the negativity by responding positively too it.
I bet you if you had to start offline contact with those ladies – you would both learn something!
MeeA
Feb 5th, 2010
I started to comment here, but then did a blog post instead: http://mamameea.blogspot.com/2010/02/friend-or-foe.html
Sally-Jane
Feb 5th, 2010
Laura I hope you are right and that by sharing our stories that we break down these barriers, I just feel so often the barriers are already there and that people don’t read what we say they presume and come from their own agenda. I had really hoped in that article to get the point that no one should feel pressure into anything but that people who do have some good reasons and just to support them a little more. I am saddened by the response that says I called them Bad Mommies. But I suppose we carry on, we write we talk and we try help each other
Laura
Feb 5th, 2010
They are there Sally – huge big high walls! But we have to keep trying because if ONE mother read your article and found the strength to carry through with her decision to breastfeed then we have “won” (for want of a better word). Maybe the article encourages one other mom to write about her experience or talk about – then again another small victory. As soon as more people start sharing their experiences and saying “I did that and am proud” – we will start breaking down the barriers!
We have to keep moving forward though!
MeeA – AWESOME piece!!!!
boobahsmom
Feb 5th, 2010
“…the comments, one in which, I was told, NOT to tell people, that they are bad mommies, and that, people should be allowed to parent their own way without me telling them what to do…”
and then the same person says
“…Different strokes for different folks, please allow us all to be OUR OWN PERSON…”
I strongly feel like I want to hunt this woman down and slap her upside the head. She is ranting about how YOU are supposedly calling her a ‘Bad Mommy” and are telling her what to do and to stop being judgmental, but is in turn doing THE VERY THING she is accusing you (Sally) of doing!
It makes me sick when woman are so bitchy to each other. This is the reason I don’t have many female (actually none) friends (except all the beautiful women in my Twitterverse)
I totally agree with MeeA’s entire post. I could not have said it any better.
Just know that we love you and respect you and think you are a FABULOUS mom! Based on your advice (at LoL about BF) I’m definitely going to try the whole thing with PlusOne when she’s here
Adele
Feb 6th, 2010
Fascinating to read the comments here. I agree that by sharing a variety of stories, we open people’s minds to different ways of doing things – even though they may resist a bit. That’s why having voices like Sally-Jane’s on Parent24 is so important to me. I’d love it if the people commenting here would also come to Parent24 and comment on Sally-Jane’s story there: http://www.parent24.com/Content/Toddler_1-2/care_nutrition/202/05440b0f2b36424fa04eb256eb8b716a/28-01-2010-12-30/%E2%80%98I_breastfeed_my_2-year-old%E2%80%99
Wenchy
Feb 7th, 2010
Some people think if they compliment or ‘give of themselves’ to others it somehow TAKES from them…. instead, it truly adds to you.
Btw, I did comment on your article also that I did breastfeed for Victoria for 18 months… even I gave it a bit of that. LOL